Not What He Planned
by The-Missing-Paige
Summary: It's Roy and Ed's six month anniversary, and Edward has something extremely special planned. But Roy's gift never gets delivered, because when he comes home, he's with another man.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, or any related characters. **

* * *

Edward trembled in anticipation. He didn't want anything to be too cheesy, but he wanted it to be romantic. Sexy, actually. And so, after much deliberation, he simply sat on his and Roy's bed, naked, a sheet draped over him. It made a nice picture, in his mind, him sitting, ready, wrapped in their blankets.

Now, all he had to do was wait for Roy to get home.

He was nervous, sure. He had never had sex with Roy; actually, he had never had sex with _anyone_. He was a virgin. So this was a new experience for him, and though he knew it was supposed to feel good, he also knew it would hurt. But Ed was okay with that. He was going to be with Roy, and Roy loved him, and it would be fantastic.

Edward took a deep breath, shifted under the sheet, and checked the clock. He laughed at himself, running nervous fingers through his hair—loose, for a change, golden locks spilling about his shoulders. Roy wouldn't be home for another couple hours, and here he was waiting for the man to come and take him.

But then, what was that at the door?

Ed leaned forward, the sound of creaking hinges and then the front door closing reaching his ears. Was Roy home early? Edward smiled contentedly; maybe the man had planned something for him, too, and _that's_ why he was home. It made sense; six months was a pretty long time, especially for someone like Roy, who usually didn't start a committed relationship.

Edward couldn't help but sit a little straighter at the thought, practically glowing. He couldn't describe how happy it made him to know that _he_ had been enough to make Roy settle down. That the womanizer of Central had picked _him, _only him. That Roy was his boyfriend—soon to be his lover. And now, he was going to give something back to his Roy, give himself away.

His smile faded, weathered by impatience as he realized Roy hadn't entered the room yet. Where was he? Roy _always_ came into the bedroom as soon as he got home. He always took off his heavy jacket and boots, stowing them carefully into his closet. Only after that would Roy go back into the living room, relax, and curl up on the couch with Ed. Even if he was planning something, it wasn't like Roy to ignore such a fundamental part of his routine. So where was he?

Edward sighed, and decided that surprising the man by walking naked into the living room would be a good anniversary gift, too. He blushed; here, in the bedroom, he could at least cover himself with a sheet. Out there, he would be completely bared to Roy. Of course, that would happen in the end anyway, but it was still nerve wracking to walk out, pretend to be confident, try to be sexy when he had never done this before.

Taking a deep breath, Ed stepped lightly off the bed, footfalls cushioned by heavy carpet, quickly glancing in the mirror on the closet doors. His hair was soft, having been brushed carefully, his body toned and tan as always. He was blushing a little, but that was unavoidable. Satisfied, Edward tiptoed out the bedroom door and down the hall, eyes slowly widening as he heard the faint sound of the couch shifting, of heavy breathing. What was Roy _doing_?

He got to the living room, and froze.

Everything stopped, most of all his heart.

How did he breathe, again?

_Help_.

Edward sucked in a great breath, unable to comprehend what he was seeing. _Not wanting_ to understand, not wanting to see. But he did, the images flashed through his eyes, and after a strange pause, his brain made sense of them. Or at least, as much sense as it could out of the senseless situation.

Roy, on the couch. Roy, panting. Roy, with his jacket thrown carelessly onto the ground and his shirt half unbuttoned.

A brunette boy beneath him. A brunette, moaning Roy's name as he ground himself upward into the man. A brunette. Not a blonde. Not Edward.

Ed was just about certain his heart had exploded. He would look down to his naked chest and see a gaping hole, blood pouring out. Any second now he would collapse, fall to the floor, cease to see and it would be merciful, _please let this end this isn't happening this can't be real_.

He tried to close his eyes, but he couldn't, couldn't stop taking in the scene.

Roy glanced up, and stopped moving, locking gazes with Edward. He didn't say anything, and his eyes—Ed might have been okay if he at least looked sorry, but he just looked…caught.

Edward spun around, the sounds in his throat fighting to escape but his voice was missing. Pieces of him were dropping everywhere, his lungs, his heart, his voice…

He ran into the bedroom, slamming the door so hard the frame buckled. With shaking hands, he locked the knobs—no, only one knob, but his vision was swimming so badly it was hard to tell, and really, reality wasn't what it used to be.

Immediately turning to the bed, Edward stumbled back as though someone had pushed him. He should be on that bed right now. With Roy. Having the time of his life.

But no, Roy was out there, with another pretty boy, _and Edward was forgotten alone in a bedroom that reminded him of his love—_

That bed would offer no comfort. Ed settled for the blanket, curling it around himself and making his way to a corner just as his legs gave out. His body was so heavy, everything ached, and there was still that nagging hole where his heart used to be. He heard a pounding on the bedroom door, faint, as though miles away. He ignored it.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

The blanket smelled like Roy, and never had a scent been so painful. It cut at Edward, tracing lines of blood along his naked body. Shivering, Ed curled into himself, into a ball, _shut it all out please let this nightmare end_.

And he was drowning, drowning, water leaking from his eyes to cover the floor, to rise to the ceiling, and he couldn't breathe for his own tears. And Roy's face floated in front of him, not sorry, not regretful, just carrying that oh-shit expression of someone caught doing something they shouldn't be doing.

There was no love in his eyes.

Edward let out a sob—bubbles floated through his ocean, _why was this happening wasn't he dead yet how could he still be breathing when the world had just collapsed_—and covered his head with the blanket.

* * *

**What is it with me and the angst lately ;A;**

**Just a little idea that came to me, more of a drabble than anything.**

**Should I leave it here, or make a second chapter where Roy tries to fix things? Please review and let me know! **

**Also, song for this: Stay with Me by Danity Kane. The words don't fit as well as they could, but the mood I get does. *shrug* Might not be the case for you. **


	2. Chapter 2

Instant regret.

Roy had been caught cheating on girls before. Considering his "relationships" with them tended to last the night, or a week at most, it hardly seemed to matter. But this time, as he hovered over what's-his-name, he actually regretted what he was doing.

He listened to the sound of a door slam while the brunette beneath him resumed his grinding. Somewhere in the back of his head, Roy wondered why Ed had been naked.

He now faced a decision: Edward or the stranger beneath him?

Groaning, Roy rolled off the couch, ignoring the whine the man let out, and tried to straighten his shirt. Eventually he gave up, choosing to discard it entirely. He looked down at the brunette.

"I think you need to leave."

The stranger pouted, started to argue, but Roy held up his hand, gesturing to the door.

As he walked out, Roy headed back to the bedroom he had shared with Edward for the last six months. As he did so, he was surprised to find himself more than regretful for his actions—he was downright guilty. He knew why, too, but he couldn't admit it to himself.

Gently, he knocked on the door. "Ed?"

No answer, only the faint sound of labored breathing. Another knock. "Ed, c'mon, we need to talk." Still nothing.

Roy sighed, leaning his forehead on the door. He really didn't want to do this, but…he had to get to the boy as soon as possible.

Alchemy, or force?

Force, it was quicker. He didn't feel like drawing the appropriate transmutation circles right now.

Roy stepped back, bracing his shoulder, and rammed into the locked door. It came down easily, probably weakened by the force with which Ed had slammed it earlier. He just barely caught his balance, facing an empty bed.

Edward was sniveling under a blanket in the corner.

Fuck.

"Ed," Roy murmured. "Please, I…"

* * *

The door burst in, the sea of tears flooding out, and Edward whimpered. He had been so close to drowning, right? And what would have been after that? Peace? He didn't get to find out, ripped right back to reality. He trembled under the cover, clinging to the darkness.

It was Roy, the man's hand found his shoulder and he jerked back, slamming into the wall, still buried and invisible under the blanket. "Don't touch me!"

Too much, too much. He should have been begging for more, but he didn't want Roy's hands on him now, the hands that had held him and make him think they loved him and then went wandering over someone else's body…

"Ed, please." Was that begging? Oh—he was still dreaming. Of course, Roy wasn't really here; he was out fucking that brunette. _Why was his mind doing this to him, couldn't it see this was only worse_?

"Go away," he whimpered. He didn't want the delusions, didn't want to be anything near awake, only wanted the sweet, sweet blackness and the tears _and his eyes were still trying to drown him, leaking gallons upon gallons…_

"No, Ed. I'm…sorry."

Edward laughed. It was so wrong, this laughter, bubbling up from who knows where, but he couldn't stop it. The blanket fell off his head, and the light burnt his eyes _but they were already scorched with the image of the stranger beneath his Roy and this pain was nothing. _

"I—" Roy broke off, and cursed. "I don't want you to be hurt."

Well that was okay, because Ed wasn't hurt, _he was just dying slowly_. Totally fine, thank whatever bullshit god he wasn't hurt.

A low keening filled the room, and Edward realized it was him. Was he trying to speak, was that it? "Why would you do this to me?"

Oh, that was the question, but how _dare_ his mouth ask it. He didn't want to know, didn't want to understand what he had done that made Roy stop loving him, or worse, didn't want to hear that Roy had never loved him…

Roy wrapped his arms around him and he thrashed, he didn't want this, no please no, he wanted it but it was a sham. Tears.

"Ed, I've never been in a relationship like this before," Roy admitted. No, this was just a great game, let's make Edward love me and then break his heart. "I was…am…afraid. We…we were getting pretty serious, and I didn't know how to handle it, and so I went off and fucked it up like I always do."

Edward pushed hard, finally forcing the man to let him go. He clutched the blanket around him, chest heaving. "Get out of here."

"No."

"Go!" Ed shouted, voice raw and cracking.

Roy stood firm, his arms limp at his sides where he was kneeling. "No."

"Fine," Edward whispered. He gathered up the blanket, he didn't want Roy to see him naked, not now. The thought brought a fresh ripping sensation to the hole in his chest, how could his heart hurt so much when it was lying on the floor in the living room? He headed to the door, maybe he would grab it on the way out—no, he would step on it, _he didn't want to feel it anymore, one little crunch and maybe the pain would leave_—

Roy grabbed his arm, pulling him down and into his lap. "Ed, I'm sorry!" The blanket slipped, white virgin thigh making an appearance. "Why are you naked?"

"What day is it, Roy?" Edward asked, hating the soft feel of the name on his tongue. _Make it stop, make it stop, make it stop._

The man thought for a moment, he didn't know, did he? A gasp; there it was, recognition. "Fuck," Roy breathed. "It's…"

"Six months," Ed whispered. "It only takes six months to make stupid boys who think they're all grown up and can handle the world love you, and about six seconds to kill them, isn't that funny?"

* * *

Roy stared at the blonde in his hands, at the wide, leaking eyes, not believing what was coming out of his mouth. This wasn't what he had expected at all; something in Ed had broken.

He tried to reason with him. "Ed, it's like the saying, 'you don't know what you have 'til it's gone.' I didn't know, I thought I wasn't cut out for this, I didn't know I'd want to stay with you until…"

"You punched a hole in my chest, how'd you manage that without touching me? And I'm special, you know, I haven't bled out yet. I didn't know that could happen…"

The boy was insane. Absolutely crazy.

Roy began to panic. What could he do? How was he supposed to bring the logical Ed back? The one who would hit him but maybe listen, the one he could maybe fix things with?

Why did he do this?

* * *

Ed let his eyes slide shut. He didn't want to see that face anymore.

"Ed, you're not thinking clearly…"

That's funny, he had been pretty sure it was his heart on the floor, not his brain, but who could tell?

He was sobbing now, and giggling through his tears. Parts of him everywhere, like a treasure hunt. Maybe he could win the prize at the end, but he was so tired.

Yes, yes, the blank darkness of sleep. If he went to bed, could he stay there forever? Lie there and forget everything, just stop?

"Sleep," he murmured. It was so appealing, _no more feeling_—but he was tired, but not, completely alert he couldn't just fall asleep. And there he would dream; would they be worse, or better than reality?

Ed crawled off Roy's lap—was the man saying something? It didn't matter. No, no, no.

He hit his head on the floor, the blood would have stained him if he wasn't already covered in it, and besides, his tears would wash it away. So close—Roy was trying to stop him—one more—

Oblivion.

* * *

Roy stared at the boy, not believing what he had just witnessed. A gash ran along Edward's forehead, and he was unconscious.

Look at what he had _done_.

Feeling tears in his own eyes, Roy picked Ed up off the floor, carrying him to the bathroom to tend to the cut.

He could only hope Edward would be a little more lucid when he woke up.

* * *

**The hell did I just write...**

**I can't explain it. Yes, there will be a third chapter-and to think this was supposed to be a oneshot.**

**So, incidentally, ****_before_**** I wrote this chapter I drew a "broken" Edward...it doesn't fit entirely, but the concept is similar, so here's the link if you wish to see:**

** www. christasea. deviantart art/Broken-457026272 (remove the spaces, sorry it is removing the link ;A;)  
**

**Let me know what you think of this chapter/how you want me to finish it up.**


	3. Chapter 3--End

Edward opened his eyes, the light not doing anything to help his blinding headache. It was almost like a hangover.

Unfortunately, he still remembered everything.

What had he been, delusional? "Probably," Ed whispered aloud. Most likely, he had been in some sort of shock-induced delirium. What he had thought he had seen…but the feelings were still all too real.

Edward ran a hand over his face, allowing himself to think it: Roy was cheating on him.

The reality of that fact sunk in, actually more painful now that he was lucid enough to come to terms with it. Tears sprung to his eyes, but now wasn't the time for that.

Now…he had to confront Roy. That was easier said than done.

Still, he couldn't do it from his—their, actually, that hurt to think now—bed. Ed sat up, pulling the blanket off him.

"What the fuck…?"

He was still naked. Edward wasn't sure he was angry that Roy hadn't bothered to dress him after he had been so humiliated, so _hurt_…or glad that the man hadn't put his free-roaming hands all over him.

Ed stumbled pulling his pants up. It was so hard to concentrate when everything came back to Roy's betrayal. Pain was written in every nook and cranny of the house they shared, now. Everything reminded him of the good times.

How would he manage to look at Roy and not fall apart?

Steeling himself, Edward walked down the hall, closing his eyes as he made his way through the living room, and into the kitchen, where the sounds of plates banging together could be heard.

"Oh," Roy said, awkwardly as he noticed Ed enter. He had been unloading the sink. "You're awake, Ed."

"Don't call me that," Edward whispered. "Don't say my name."

Roy turned back to the dishes, his face disappointed. What, did he think Ed would be fine? That he'd sleep and forget what Roy had _done_?

"I'm sorry," the man whispered, studying his reflection in a spoon. "I don't suppose you remember what I told you when you were…?"

"Out of it?" Edward finished. He shook his head, slowly sitting down in a chair. "I couldn't tell you what I was imagining and what was real. Enlighten me."

Roy spun around to look at him, leaning smoothly against the counter. Ed felt a painful wrenching in his chest. The man was so _beautiful_. He looked so trustworthy and kind and perfect…

Looks could be deceiving.

"I was…confused."

Ed stopped him right there, holding up his hand and trying to regulate his breathing. "No, Roy. Confusion is when you don't know where you're going and have to ask for directions. Confusion is meeting someone at the café at four instead of three thirty because you heard the time wrong. _Don't even_ try to pass this off as being confused."

"But I _was_," Roy insisted. "Just hear me out."

Edward just about broke down then and there.

"I've never been in a committed relationship before. And let me get this part out of the way first; I used to have one night stands _every_ night. Going that long without sex…it was _weird_."

"So you just fucked the first man you could find," Ed whispered, covering his eyes with his hand. He couldn't stop the tears now. "Damn it, Roy, do you have any idea…?" He couldn't continue, swallowed hard. "Didn't you wonder why I was home? Why I was naked?"

"Yes…"

"I was going to—to let you fuck me. For our anniversary," Edward managed, voice a mix of shame and pain. His eyes were burning, but he hoped against hope Roy hadn't noticed yet.

"Oh, shit, Ed…" Roy didn't say anything else for a long moment. Then footsteps as he came closer, sat down in a chair just by Ed. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Edward didn't respond. What was there to say? Roy had chosen sex over him, that much was clear. There was no coming back from that.

"That wasn't the…whole reason, though."

Ed looked up, realizing his mistake when Roy's eyes softened upon seeing his face streaked with tears. "I didn't—don't—know how to be in a relationship," the man continued. "I was afraid of the commitment. And it wasn't until I saw your face when you…when you walked in that I realized how badly I'd fucked up. I thought it would be better to not be with just one person. I didn't realize how much I loved you—" Edward couldn't help but let out a sob, biting his lip and looking away "—until I felt how bad it hurt to see you in so much pain."

"Bullshit," Ed managed, pulling his feet up onto the chair and burying his face in his knees. "Fucking bullshit. I loved you. More than anything. And I thought I knew the dangers of dating you but I loved you so much I could hardly breathe when you weren't around, so I ignored them. But I was wrong, this is worse than I had imagined. How _could_ you? How could you do this to me?"

He'd blown it, his control. Edward was now crying into his knees, not wanting to look at Roy. This is the part where he had to leave, but he just couldn't. He couldn't imagine life without Roy. He loved him more than anything…

"But I do love you, Ed," Roy whispered, leaning in to touch his shoulder. Edward jerked away as though electrified.

"Don't touch me!" he shrieked.

"I'm sorry. You have no idea how bad I feel…" Roy let out a small sound and Ed whipped his head up, surprised to see that the man was also crying. Mass confusion. What if Roy meant what he said? No, Edward couldn't trust him. Still, Roy had to be one hell of an actor to be faking this.

"I swear, I didn't know. I didn't know how much I cared about you until I saw your face…" Roy choked up. "I'll never forget that face. I'll never be able to forget that I caused it, that I had to go and be a _dick_…" He brought a hand to his mouth.

It took everything in Ed's power to not just hug the man and be done with it. "How do I know you're not lying?" he murmured.

"I waited for you to wake up, didn't I?" Roy asked. "You really think I wouldn't have just walked out if I wasn't serious? That'd be a hell of a lot easier than facing what I did."

"But what if you get bored of me? How do I know it won't happen again? I—I can't trust you…"

"I know. But I also know, for certain now, that I love you. I don't want anyone else."

Ed's head was spinning. He wanted so badly to believe Roy, but…he didn't want to get hurt. Not again, not with this threat looming over his head.

"Roy…I can't. I can't know that you're telling me the truth. I love you more than you'll ever know." He broke off, interrupted by a sob. "But if you're going to do _that_, I need to just leave."

"No!" Roy was surprisingly insistent. "Please, Ed, _please_. I want to be with you. I don't care if I never have sex again. I love you. How can I make you believe me?"

"I don't know," Edward hiccupped. And he didn't. How could he ever trust the man again?

"I'll do anything. Honestly." Roy's face was certainly desperate enough to let Ed know he was serious, and that just set him to crying harder. He wanted comfort, but the only source of comfort he craved was Roy…he was all convoluted and twisted up inside.

He just couldn't _take this_.

Suddenly very familiar arms were wrapped around him. Ed squirmed, trying to block the image from his mind: Roy's arms around a different person…

He wailed, he didn't want this, but he needed this—

"Shh, Ed, shh," Roy murmured above him.

"Get—get _off_!"

"No," Roy responded simply. "I know you must hate this, and I'm sorry, but I can't sit here and watch you cry and not do anything."

Oh, and this was, on a certain level, just _so welcome_. Edward needed this. And so he let himself go, allowed his arms to snake out and cling to Roy, and just _cried_.

"Why?" he blubbered. "Why would you do this? How could you? I _love _you!"

"I'm sorry," Roy answered. "I'm so, so sorry."

It took Edward a long while to reemerge, gasping for breath, his chest heaving.

"Ed, please," Roy begged. "Let me try again. I don't care what I have to do—you can keep constant tabs on me, follow me around, anything, just—please. I know I messed up, but I want to do better this time. I want to make you happy."

Edward considered this proposition. It was dangerous, he knew. Roy had cheated on him and broken his heart, and there was no guarantee that it wouldn't happen again. But that possibility was a lot less frightening that the thought of a future without Roy at all.

"Okay," he whispered. "One more chance."

"I love you," Roy breathed, relieved.

Ed hesitated only briefly, deciding to believe. "I love you, too."

* * *

**So I'm marking this as complete because I'm 99.9% sure I'm done.**

**I like it. I probably ended it with a lot more fluff than you guys wanted, but...I couldn't help it XD I had to fix everything ;A;**

**Please let me know what you think~ And if you do happen to have an idea for a fourth chapter..._maybe_ I'll consider continuing this. **

**Even though I feel this is a good ending as is, I'm open to more. **


	4. Chapter 4

**What, you thought it was over? **

**Yeah. So did I.**

* * *

Edward found himself almost in tears. Again.

It had been a week since he found Roy with that other guy, and Roy had been true to his promise to never do it again…so far. But it just wasn't the same. It was…awkward.

And Ed was dying to have their old relationship back. He just wanted to be able to go up and hug Roy without _that_ looming over him.

Now he was lying in bed, unable to even make himself get up and face Roy over breakfast. What was he supposed to do?

Edward reached over, hesitant, hand hovering over the phone. He had thought about doing this several times—every time he found himself thinking of Roy and that guy, actually—but had never worked up the determination to do it…

Ed picked up the phone, and dialed.

"Hello?"

"Al?" Edward asked, wincing. He hoped his voice didn't sound so raspy over the phone.

"Brother? Are you okay? You sound upset…"

Ed swallowed the thickness in his throat. "I—I need to talk to you, Al. Are you free?"

"Right now?"

"Right now."

"Of course, Brother. You want to meet at that café we used to go to?"

Despite his awful mood, Edward couldn't help but smile. Alphonse was always there for him, no matter the inconvenience.

And Ed really needed him now. "Yeah, that sounds good. I'll be there in ten."

"See you."

Edward hung up, already up and out of bed. He tugged on some pants, a shirt—there was no time to bother with his hair, so he tucked it into his usual, messy braid. Ready.

He walked into the living room—he _hated_ that couch, the entire room actually, he could hardly walk through it without wanting to curl up and die—just as Roy did the same from the kitchen.

"Oh, Ed, I was about to wake you up. I made breakfast."

Edward shuffled his feet. "Actually, something came up with Alphonse. I'm meeting him…I'll be back home in an hour or two, okay?"

"Alright…" Roy conceded. Ed could feel the man's eyes on him as he pulled his boots on and closed the door, unable to resist looking back just before it shut.

* * *

"Talk to me."

"What, I don't even get to order breakfast first?" Now that Al was here with him, Edward found himself hesitant once more to talk about what had happened.

"Nope," his brother insisted, waving a waitress away. "What happened?"

Ed sighed, giving in. "It's Roy…I caught him with another guy."

Alphonse gasped and leaped out of his seat, hugging Edward fiercely. "Oh, Brother! I'm so sorry…"

It was as if Al's arms were a release. Not paying attention to the people around them, Ed allowed his tears to start to flow. "Al, I caught him _in our living room_. On our anniversary…"

His little brother's only response was to hug him tighter. "He said he was sorry, and he's been really sweet since it happened last week, but…"

"It's just not the same," Alphonse finished, finally returning to his own seat.

Edward wiped his eyes. "_No_. And I want it to be…I want to believe that he loves me and be happy again…"

"Brother, did you talk it out?"

"Well, yeah—"

"I mean, have you talked about it since that day?" Al clarified.

"No…" Ed murmured. "We've just been avoiding it."

"You can't pretend it didn't happen, Brother. That's no way to fix your relationship."

"I know," Edward whispered. "But it's so hard. I just…I can't even be around him without wanting to cry."

"Maybe…" Al paused. "Maybe you should just break it off…?"

"No!" Ed shrunk in his seat as several other customers reacted to his shout. "No, I—I can't. I love him. I still love him."

"Then you need to talk to him. Again. You have to tell him exactly how you felt, and you two need to think up a plan for how you're going to fix this."

Edward found the strength to laugh. "Al, you're so methodical about it!"

Alphonse gave him a sad smile. "Well, maybe you need methodical. You're falling apart, Brother."

"Is it that obvious?" Ed sighed.

"Yeah. It is. Go talk to him," Al insisted. "Now."

"But I've hardly been here for five minutes! C'mon, I can stay—"

"Now," his brother demanded.

Edward chuckled softly, standing up. "You can be a real pain, you know that?"

"I'm just doing my job."

* * *

Ed opened the door cautiously, not wanting to have the conversation he was about to, but knowing it was necessary. "Roy, I'm home. We need to talk," he called out.

However, his shout was unnecessary. Roy was standing in the living room, arms crossed and face dark. "No shit we need to talk."

Edward was ashamed to find himself cowering against the door he had just shut. What was going on…? "Roy?" he asked, voice small.

"So you were with Al, huh? Yeah, right!" the man spat, eyes livid. Ed checked his hands nervously; no gloves. That was good, he wouldn't light up the house on accident in a fit of rage.

"I was," he insisted. "I needed to talk to him about some stuff—"

"Don't lie to me!" Roy hissed. "You were with some hooker, weren't you?"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"You're still mad at me for cheating on you!"

Edward felt the tears spill over. "No shit! It hurt, okay?"

"And so you went and did the same thing to get revenge on me!" Roy shouted, fists clenched at his sides.

Ed grew quiet. "I'm not you," he finally whispered, voice raw. "I saved my virginity for you, for our anniversary, because I wanted it to be special. I wouldn't give something I've been so careful to protect away just because I was mad at you. Besides, I don't want anyone else."

Roy's eyes were still sharp, chunks of unforgiving obsidian marring his normally beautiful face. "Liar."

Edward felt the room spinning. How was this happening? His whole world was falling apart—how could Roy think he would do that? It was just breakfast with his brother—and he hadn't even _eaten_. He'd been gone all of a half hour, tops. That wouldn't be enough time to cheat on Roy even if he wanted to; what was the man thinking?

"I love you, Roy," Ed whispered desperately, wishing everything would just line up the way it should be. "I wouldn't do that to you. I'm not you, I'm not a cheater."

"The hell you aren't!" the man got up in his face, just an inch away. "That's right, blame it on me, like you didn't have the desire to run around the entire time, you little whore," he whispered.

It was if he had been struck by lightning. Ed pushed Roy aside, heading to their bedroom. He'd lock the door, he'd barricade the damn thing. This wasn't what he wanted, not at all. He'd wanted to _fix_ things with Roy, damn it. And now…never had he been surer the man didn't love him; Roy had _never_ been so downright _mean_ to him…the realization that he wasn't anything to the man he loved was ripping him apart.

"Fuck you, Roy. Just fuck you."

* * *

**Yes, there will be more. I still want to end this on a good note.**

**Who knows how many more chapters this will be before that happens, haha XD I can't believe this was going to be a oneshot.**

**Shoutout to Sam's Laptop for the idea of Roy thinking Ed would cheat as well, it was too good to pass up, thank you so much!**

**Let me know what you guys think of this~**


	5. Chapter 5

Roy was seething.

He honestly felt bad for cheating on Ed; he'd told the boy that a million times! But now Edward had the gall to do the same thing, and to _lie _about it? At least Roy had admitted it…not that he had had much of a choice.

And what was this _Alphonse_ business? Roy snorted violently; he'd _call_ Al, so that Ed had to drop that excuse…

Alphonse picked up on the third ring. "Brother, what are you doing?"

"It's me, Al."

The line was silent for a moment. "Roy, first, you are so lucky we aren't face to face or I'd slap you. How could you_ do_ that to him? Second, shouldn't you be talking to him right about now?"

Roy rolled his eyes, though the boy couldn't see. "Look, Al, he came home with some bullshit about meeting up with you, and I know he's angry at me—"

"Brother _was_ just with me. He was really upset over what you did, and we went to a café to talk," Alphonse interrupted.

It was Roy's turn to fall quiet as the reality of the situation fell on him. Edward hadn't been with another guy…. "I really fucked things up," he whispered. The phone slipped out of his slackening hands, and Roy heard a quiet "No shit" before he ran down the hall, skidding to a halt and banging on the bedroom door.

"Ed!" he cried out desperately. "Oh, fuck, Ed!"

Roy tried to open it; locked. Obviously. He took a few steps back, ran forward—the door gave, hinges popping, but there was something else in the way.

The boy had _barricaded_ himself in?

Oh, Roy was so deep in the shithouse.

He ran to the living room, fumbling through the drawers for some chalk. As he drew the transmutation circle, Roy's hands kept shaking—he had to keep erasing the lines and redrawing them. What the hell was _wrong_ with him? He'd hurt the blonde in a way he'd never meant to, far worse than he could probably guess. And then to be so delusional and paranoid as to think Ed would ever do the same…to call him—what he had called him.

There was no coming back from this.

The thought pulled Roy up short, even as he placed his palms on the finished circle. It glowed, the light forcing him to narrow his eyes, tears finally falling over…

He finally knew how much he wanted to stay with Edward, and now he'd fucked it up entirely.

"Ed!" Roy called out desperately as he half fell into the bedroom. Where was he?

It would have been funny, Roy looking under the bed for the vanished blonde, had he not been so frantic. Suddenly, he heard a sob—stifled, but still audible—

The closet.

That door didn't lock, and Roy just about ripped the thing off its track as he pulled it open. "Ed," he breathed, falling to the ground next to the newly revealed blonde.

The boy's eyes, though tear filled and red, were venomous. "Don't you mean 'whore'?"

"Edward, I didn't mean that—"

"Shut up!" Ed wailed, slapping at him and shrinking back. "Damn it, just _get away from me_!"

"I don't want to…" Roy whispered. "I wasn't thinking straight, I didn't mean what I said—"

"_Say it_," Edward choked out. "Admit to what you called me, what you said to me."

Roy looked straight into the boy's golden eyes. "I'm sorry I called you a whore. I know you're not, that you haven't slept with anyone. I'm sorry I accused you of cheating, when I should know you'd never do that. I'm sorry I yelled at you and I'm sorry I made you so upset again…" he trailed off, sniffed awkwardly. "I can't believe I have the best thing and I just keep screwing it up."

Ed leaned forward, held back a sob, and for a crazy moment Roy thought he was going to kiss him. "Fuck. You," the blonde hissed.

The words were like whips. "Ed—"

* * *

"Stop!" Edward shrieked. "Just stop it! Stop trying to fix it." He was hyperventilating now, unable to stop it. Ed felt dangerously close to another breakdown; everything hurt. And here was Roy, and for some reason he still wanted to have the man wrap his stupid, lying, accusing arms around him. For some reason his masochistic heart still loved the jackass, and that was dreadful.

And Roy's words kept bouncing around in his head. Whore. That was almost worse than the man cheating on him.

"You don't care about me at all," Ed whispered. "I figured that out. You're just waiting for me to decide to fuck you and then you'll leave me, because I'm _nothing _to you, am I? I gave you my heart and now I can't take it back and you never even wanted it!"

Breathe. Spots danced in his vision.

"No, Ed, no," Roy pleaded. "No, it's not like that."

"It's exactly like that," Edward insisted.

"Let me tell you something: I'd do anything for you. I love you, and I'm just realizing what that really means, and I'm _really_ bad at being a good boyfriend, but I love you. I'd do anything to somehow show you how sorry I am…"

"Why would you call me that?" Ed choked out. The man was doing it again, changing from the terrifying Roy who told him he was a whore, to the nice Roy Edward just wanted to be held by.

"I was just…I don't know. I guess I'm just insanely guilty because of what I did to you, and…I projected it onto you." Roy laughed humorlessly. "_I'm _the whore, not you. Not by a long shot."

Edward hesitated, then stood up, walking a few paces and allowing himself to fall face down on the bed. He could hardly breathe with the pillow in his face, and it felt good. "I love you," he admitted, voice muffled by the fabric. He felt Roy sit down beside him. "I don't know why, but I do. I can't seem to stop. But you don't love me…"

"Yes, I do!" Roy insisted, placing a hand on his shoulder. Ed's head was getting a little fuzzy with stale air. He couldn't be bothered to shake the man off. "I do love you…I didn't realize until I was with that guy, and now I'm just so scared that I'll mess it up that I got mad at you for no reason—I guess I just assumed that because I'm an ass, you'd be the same, but I don't know how I ever made that leap. You're too perfect, too good to hurt me like I hurt you."

Edward was quiet. What do you say to something like that? He settled for turning his head—part of him longed to keep his face in that pillow until he passed out, but he knew that wouldn't solve anything. He was unable to stop his eyes from searching out Roy's.

The man sighed quietly, rubbing Ed's back. "All I seem to be able to do is fuck things up," he whispered, turning away. "I want to fix it, but I just keep making everything worse…"

He was silent for a moment, deep in thought. "I should leave," Roy concluded. "I'm no good for you."

Ed was once again confronted with a pain worse than that which he was already feeling; he _couldn't_ let Roy leave. He loved the man to death. "No," he whispered. "No. I love you."

"I love you too, Ed, but I can't keep doing this to you."

Somehow, Edward was now the one vying to save the relationship. "Please," he begged. "I don't want to live without you."

Roy looked at him, and more tears spilled out. "But I just keep hurting you."

Ed was quiet for a moment. "When I was talking with Al, he said we needed to talk things out better. To try harder to fix things, to not just pretend everything was back to normal. I want to try—I want—I want the old Roy back," he finished sadly.

Roy looked at him; Edward didn't know what he'd do if the man said no. "Okay."

His heart leapt. "Okay?"

Roy nodded. "I don't know why you want to put up with me, but I love you too much to leave."

Edward smiled, but there it was again; that awkwardness. Roy sensed it as well, but this time chose to do something about it.

"Let me get you a tissue," he murmured, standing up. "And some water. And then we're going to talk."

* * *

**I have some vague idea of how I want to continue this, but if you have suggestions, let me know...I'm open to different avenues.**

**Hope you like this one**


	6. Chapter 6

Ed point blank refused to sit on the couch to have their discussion. "No, Roy. I won't do it."

"Why…?"

Edward let his head drop, irritation and hurt mixing on his features. "How can you have to ask? You were_ fucking_ _someone else_ on it!"

Roy whispered his response. "I wasn't fucking him. I mean, I'll admit that was where it was headed, but you stopped me in time. I'm really glad, actually; if I'd gone all the way, I don't know that I could live with myself."

Ed lifted his head again, confused. "What about the others?"

"What others?"

Fisting his hands in the sheets of their bed, Edward tried hard not to hope. "The guys before the one I caught you with. Didn't you end up having sex with them?"

Roy's expression was blank with confusion. "Ed, he was the first and only one. I promise."

He couldn't help it; he laughed weakly. "I just—I just kind of assumed there had been more. That…that helps a little. To know that it wasn't going on for forever." Still, Edward couldn't forget about the original topic. "But I don't like that couch...it reminds me of you two and it just _hurts_."

Roy studied him for a moment, before standing up, the bed shifting with the lack of his weight. The man pulled Ed to his feet, and began dragging him into the living room.

"No, Roy, stop! I don't _want_ to, doesn't that _matter_—?"

"Yes, it matters to me." Roy opened a drawer, pulling out a pair of his spark gloves. Edward's eyes widened in surprise. "If it hurts you that much, then we can just get rid of it." And with that, he snapped.

Ed watched as the sofa burst into carefully controlled flames, burning away.

When it was gone, he had to smile. "That was a bit more dramatic than necessary," he said, "but…thank you."

Roy only shook his head. "I know I haven't done anything to prove it lately, but I do love you…you mean a lot more to me than that stupid couch. C'mon, let's go sit down."

Edward led the way to the bedroom, suddenly nervous. He sat down on the bed gingerly, Roy doing the same a respectful distance away.

After a brief, awkward pause, the man spoke. "I'm…I'm selfish, Ed. I've been really bad about thinking of you, and I'm sorry, so…why don't you start with telling me how you felt."

"Bad," Edward whispered. "Just…awful. Like I wasn't good enough for you, like I was being replaced…like it was easy to do that because I was nothing special. I felt like you had been lying to me, and like I'd finally decided to trust you but it turned out you didn't really give a shit about me."

"But, Ed, that's the problem…not that you're not good enough for me, but that you're _too_ good. I was just so nervous to enter a serious, committed relationship with someone who was so flawless…I panicked, messed it up out of fear."

Ed shook his head. "That's ridiculous, I'm not too good for you; I'm not _perfect_ or anything. I've done some horrible stuff—whose fault was it that Al lost his body? And I'm obnoxious, loud, I pester the shit out of you, and I need attention _constantly, _even if that just entails someone yelling at me. I'm too eager to fight and don't think before I say things. It's okay for you to agree, because I _know_ I'm faulted."

Roy was silent for a minute, considering. "Maybe…maybe if I can stop idolizing you, accept that we're on a level playing field, I won't be so terrified to mess up. And when I _do_ mess up, hopefully I can avoid overreacting."

Murmuring a quiet, "Yeah," Edward nodded. A clock ticked away the seconds, no words filling the room. Finally, he couldn't take it anymore. "I _hate_ this! I just want to be able to _talk _to you again!"

"You can."

Ed denied this. "No, you don't understand. It's like, something in me broke, and now I've got my walls up. I _want_ to talk to you, but I'm—I'm afraid I'm going to get hurt again," he finished softly.

Taking his hand, Roy whispered, "I'm not going to hurt you. We might fight—what couple doesn't?—but I will _never_ do anything like that again. I can't force you to talk to me, that's something you're going to have to do on your own. But I can't help you build up your trust in me unless you let me back in."

"Do you have any idea how terrifying that prospect is? I can't even fight back when you get angry, because I don't know how to say the right thing…I just end up running away."

"So fight back now. Call me whatever you want, hit me. If it helps you let me in…"

Edward curled up, keeping Roy's hand in his own. "I don't want to hurt you. I just…want to trust you. But you're right, that one's on me. I have to just force myself to say what I feel and not worry about the consequences."

"Did you have something particular in mind at the moment?" Roy asked.

"Yeah." Ed took a breath, then said it: "How do I know you love me? I know you say it, but…I don't even know what the word _means _to you."

"Maybe we should agree on a definition?" Roy suggested. "That way, when we say "love," we both know exactly what that means, exactly how the other person feels."

"Okay. You…you start."

Roy was oddly confident. "Love is caring more about someone that you do about yourself and wanting to always make them happy, no matter what. Love doesn't mean no one will mess up, just that they'll try to fix it."

Ed continued, "Love is when a specific person makes you feel alive and at home, and when you feel like when you're with them, anything is possible."

"Love is unconditional."

Edward took a deep breath before finishing up. "Love is when the other person strives to know you better than yourself, and you let that happen because you want to trust them with who you really are."

Roy was smiling now. "Based on those parameters, I can say with one hundred percent certainly that I am deeply in love with you, Edward Elric."

Ed couldn't _not_ return the smile—or the sentiment. "I love you too."

Roy leaned in to kiss him, and Edward balked, scooting away. The man frowned slightly. "What?"

"Roy…Roy, I can't let you touch me."

* * *

**Have to ask y'all a favor-I don't know if you've seen yet, but I have a poll up on my profile about a story I'm planning to do, so I'd really appreciate it if you could go vote. **

**Thanks, and as always, please tell me what you think~**


	7. Chapter 7

Roy sat there, blank before him for a heartbeat before asking the obvious. "Why not?"

Edward bit his lip, looking down. That image, that _fucking_ image of Roy and that guy underneath him flashed into his mind for the millionth time. "When you touch me, all I can think of is you touching him. I don't like it."

The man looked like he was torn between sadness and exasperation. "Ed," he said finally, "how are we supposed to fix us if I can't touch you? It's not a relationship otherwise."

Edward's expression hardened. "Right, because it's all about getting to touch me with you, isn't it? If you really cared, you wouldn't press me like that!"

In the back of his mind, Ed had the vague idea that he was being ridiculous. But honestly, why _else_ would Roy be so insistent that their relationship remain physical? Shouldn't he be able to see that the emotional aspect was more important?

Taking several deep breaths before beginning again, Roy tried to explain. "You're misunderstanding me. It's not that touching you is more important than how you feel to me. Trust me, it's not, which is why I'm not going to force myself on you. I'm just saying that if we are emotionally close, but not physically intimate—if I can't even _kiss_ you—then we might as well be best friends, or even family. Me getting to hold you, kiss you, touch you…that _in addition_ to our emotional ties make it a romantic relationship."

As Roy finished up, Ed felt himself deflating. The man was right, of course, and he couldn't lie and say that he didn't crave Roy's arms around him. He was just…scared. "I know. You're right, okay? But when you lean in, all I see is you leaning towards _him_…"

"Ed," Roy murmured gently, leaning forward once more, "you said it yourself, you have to face your fears instead of running from them."

"But what if you kiss me and it doesn't feel like anything?" Edward worried. "What if it just feels _dirty_?"

"I promise it won't." The man leaned in further, his hand just so close to Ed's thigh, his mouth not even an inch away… "It'll feel right. Let me show you."

Slightly dazed, Edward nodded, the movement barely noticeable. But Roy caught it, and closed the minimal gap between them.

He was warm. Roy was always warm, but Ed had been missing this, and the sensation was all the more intense for that fact. At first, he hesitated, just feeling it out…but the man was right, this kiss was more than he had worried about it being. He could feel the emotion behind it.

The kiss made him feel loved.

Happier now with this revelation, Edward returned the kiss, wrapping his arms around Roy's neck and pulling the man closer. No, this wasn't dirty, not at all. Just as Roy promised, this was _right_, this was where he belonged…

The man pulled back, allowing Ed room to breathe. He panted slightly, smiling.

"See? It was good, right?"

"Yeah."

Roy grinned, but the expression faltered momentarily. "Ed…can I show you something? It might upset you at first, but I think in the long run it will help."

Immediately cautious, Edward nodded. "Okay…"

"I'm going to kiss you like I kissed that man." And before Ed could argue, Roy's lips were on his again, only this time it was different. Less magical. He could feel a certain degree of lust there, but most acute was the complete lack of attachment. No. No, he didn't like this.

Apparently Roy didn't either, for he pulled back much more quickly. "Do you feel the difference?"

Ed made a face. "I liked the first one better."

The man before him chuckled half heartedly. "That's because the difference is I really do care about you. I didn't, don't give a shit about that guy—hell, I don't even remember his name. It's different, it feels better because I love you. That's the best proof I can think of to give you that I'd never want to make the mistake of cheating on you again."

Edward was, at this point, feeling oddly forgiving. "Prove it to me one more time?"

Roy's short response of "Gladly," was barely out of his mouth before he was pressing himself against Ed again. And it was good once more, full of warmth and love and passion…Edward found himself clinging to the man—how could he have been afraid of this? Roy was right, this was the best proof. Because the kiss before, the kiss he had given that man was nothing compared to this.

It was said that actions spoke louder than words, and in this case Edward found the idiom to be more than accurate. He really couldn't find an argument to doubt Roy's loyalty and affection anymore.

Roy moved slowly, pushing him backwards onto the bed, hovering over him. Ed found himself making small noises, not particularly caring that they escaped. After an eternity, the man removed himself from Edward's mouth, his breath ghosting along his jaw as he murmured, "I can't make you forget what you saw, but I can make some new, better memories with you…"

Back to his lips. Ed was fairly certain he was going to go insane if Roy didn't continue, but…"Stop" he mumbled. "Please."

The man pulled away, just barely, resting above Edward, though he held himself in such a way that it was by no means an uncomfortable position. Ed found himself smiling softly. "I'm not upset. And yeah, I'll admit, your kisses are very convincing. I just…don't want to go further, you know? Eventually…" Edward blushed, but forged on. "Yeah, I want to, but I don't believe in makeup sex."

Roy chuckled. "And why's that?"

"Because that's just passion, not reason."

"Fair enough," he murmured, rolling off of Ed. Roy didn't let go, however, curling his arm around Edward's waist, holding him close. And despite his earlier misgivings, Ed felt quite comfortable.

They were silent for a few minutes. Edward was just listening to Roy breathe, realizing he was more content and hopeful now than he had been since the incident. A deeper, shuddering breathe signaled a quiet, "I really am sorry, you know. I've just been so scared lately…scared to have you, scared to not be enough, scared to lose you…but I never wanted to hurt you."

Edward closed his eyes, an epiphany hitting him. Yes, he had been hurt, but Roy had been struggling with a lot. After all, Ed had always wanted a committed, serious relationship, so he had been ready and prepared, but that wasn't at all something the man was practiced at. "It's alright," he breathed. "I mean, it hurt, and I know there's going to be times when I get particularly upset about it again, but…I know you didn't mean it. We've both been a little too scared lately, but…I feel better now. It's going to take some work to smooth out all the wrinkles, but we're going to be okay."

Roy kissed the top of his head, and Ed could feel his smile as he rested there. "I love you."

"I love you too."

* * *

**And that's the end.**

**For real this time XD Hope you guys liked it~**


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